Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Britney Spears Trial Dies Of Boredom

Britney Spears hit-n-run trial has ended in a mistrial. Should come as no surprise to her fans who stood by her side the whole time. I'm sure this will be talked about for quite some time. Now we'll just have to see if Ms. Spears can keep herself out of trouble this time around.

Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn’t know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What’s more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don’t get us wrong - everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.

If the OJ Simpson murder trial was the trial of the century, then that must make the Britney Spears hit and run trial the trial of possibly some of yesterday. Dealing with the heinous crime of slowly dinging another car and walking away, the Britney Spears hit and run trial literally monopolised the attention of a handful of people with nothing better to do.

There were thrills - like when Britney Spears’ father told the court that Britney didn’t need a California driver’s license because she didn’t live in California. There were spills - like when the prosecution told Britney’s dad that she did too live in California and that Britney’s dad was a big fat poostick .

And, most importantly, there were ills - like when the jury couldn’t work out if Britney Spears was guilty or not even though they’d spent three entire days arguing over something of such little importance that, at worst, Britney Spears would have had to pay a fine equivalent to what she earns in about 10 minutes.

As pointless as this entire exercise has been, at least everyone can get on with their lives now - Britney Spears can continue her resurgent pop career, the court can return to doing things that are actually important and the jurors can now all go and write their obligatory trial memoirs, titles of which will include I’m An Idiot, Indecisive Twit and The First Time I Wrote This Book I Was Just Hammering My Fingers On An Upside-Down Biscuit Tin Because I Thought It Was A Typewriter.

The main point, though, is that Britney Spears gets away without a criminal record. Her character is completely unblemished - you know, apart from all those rehab stints and public meltdowns and battles with mental illness and repeated examples of her bad motherhood and bald head and everything. Apart from those, Britney’s a saint.

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